Friday, April 06, 2007

really down. *bleah*

I wasn't expecting Easter weekend to be particularly difficult. After all, I don't think I *ever* spent an Easter with Momma. So, this should be a piece of cake, right?


I'm depressed. My meds aren't working, either, I don't think...I just keep having really dark thoughts. I have no energy. I feel...useless. My head is aching, and that's nothing new, but it just seems worse than usual ~ harder to stay positive. Heck, practically impossible to stay positive. *sigh*

I'm dreading tomorrow (and I LOVE Saturdays with my little family, usually!) It's supposed to be cold, overcast, and rainy all weekend. We were planning on going to the cemetery to put flowers on Momma's grave, and while we still will do it, we won't be able to stay very long, and I doubt we'll even be able to get Maddy out of the car ~ too cold and icky. I'm dreading seeing her grave. Silly, I know ~ it's just a resting place for her body, not for *her*, but I'm still dreading it.

I just feel blah. Drained. Tired of it all. Like I'm no good to anyone. Like they'd all be better off without having to deal with me. My rational mind knows that it isn't true, but my depression colors everything black. Dark. Dreary.

Just typing this out embarrasses me, but I'm not going to make it private. I need the accountability. Y'all (my friends, anyway) know that I won't actually act on these thoughts ~ because despite the depression, I am still rational ~ but I can't let this go on. I tried to call my doc today, but he's closed for Good Friday (not a good time to be depressive, I suppose!) so it will have to wait until Monday now. That's okay. I know T and Maddy will help me hang on until then.

If you have any bright thoughts ~ clear light ~ prayers ~ please send them my way. I need all the help I can get right now.

Peace ~ for all of us ~

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