As I suspected...

...the doctor is not going to do anything about Momma's liver. So, she'll be yellow from now on. She actually looks quite ill now and sleeps a lot of the time. The hospital is having pain control issues. We've asked that she be allowed to come home tomorrow ~ it's her birthday. Hospice will be able to more accurately gauge and control her pain levels, we hope. (In my experience, anyway....)

We're going to have a birthday party tomorrow. Hats, homemade chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, candles, singing. The whole 63 years ~ er, 9 yards! I'm so thankful for getting to spend one more birthday with her. She brightens considerably when she thinks of her party.

Annie made it here this evening around 6 PM. Thank goodness! I'm glad she got here for tomorrow. I was worried about her travelling virtually all the way across the South, but she was fine. She encountered no significant weather and arrived in one piece. She's tired, and sad, and tired...well, you get the idea. I'm going to have to try and build in some pampering for my SIL, as well as Momma.

DH got out of work very early today (too cold to pave!) and likely will again tomorrow ~ so he's been with his mom all day. He got home around 9:30 PM tonight, which was relatively early.

An interesting note: DH's father and his wife sent flowers to Momma ~ I thought that was really kind. Unusual, but kind. The Colonel's wife is nothing if not genteel, you understand.

Unfortunately, Sissy, DH and I can't stand to smell them. There are lilies in the arrangement, along with a few roses. But those lilies! Oh my! So fragrant. So sweet. So aromatic. Usually, I like these flowers, but I find them completely repellant right now. Almost nauseating. (Dadgummed funerary associations....) I hope I will like lilies again...they were one of my favorite flowers....

I finally had a good, ugly, sneezing, streaming crying fit today. I'm still battling anger ~ since last night, actually ~ but I'm getting better for the time being. I think. I knew the anger was coming, but it didn't make it any easier to go through. I'm glad that everyone was out of the house today!

I prepared Momma's room today, and I did manage to do that in the full spirit of love and warmth that I want her to feel while she's here. Honestly? I think that's my best therapy right now ~ caretaking. Making lists. Cleaning. Oh, and writing down my feelings, even when seemingly inappropriate.

Grief is so awful.

My life feels pared-down. Very insignificant. Death ~ capital D ~ is such a final thing on this side of Heaven.

*later*

That's better. A good cry. My friend Lisa said that clean pain is easier to bear. I agree.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing Momma here tomorrow. I need to get Joe over to do her hair...maybe he can come on Friday. She's hoping to have company over the weekend ~ some old friends are coming to see her.

And so my own private therapy continues ~ lol ~ making plans, taking care of things, making lists...it's definitely how I deal. Also? Cleaning closets and drawers. Maddy's closet? Perfect. *shaky laughter*

Time for bed. I'll see y'all on the flip-side.

Peace (oh how I pray for peace...) ~
Kim